Imagine my disappointment…
Everything was going along nicely. When I was four, my parents took me to see the original Star Wars in the theater, igniting my lifelong fandom. Next, I was lucky enough to marry a woman who is as big a Star Wars geek as I am, or geekier (I mean, how lucky am I, right?!). Then, with great excitement, we introduced our five-year-old twins to Episodes IV, V and VI* this fall in anticipation of taking them to see Star Wars: The Force Awakens. And what happens next?! The movie is released with a PG-13 rating. As you would expect, my reaction was much like Luke’s upon learning that Darth Vader was his father… “Noooooooooooooooo-ooooooooooo-oooooooo!”
My wife and I were concerned about how much violence might be in the film for it to get pegged with a PG-13 rating. So, we decided to do a date night on opening day and check it out before exposing the kids to it. We loved the film, but agreed that it’s too violent for them. We don’t even let them watch the evening news, yet – that shit’s scary.
So, I’ve decided to appeal directly to you, oh benevolent Disney Corporation to please release a version of The Force Awakens in theaters re-edited to garner a kid-friendly PG rating. In case you’re hesitant, I’ve put way too much thought into this and come up with a five-point proposal as to why you should do it. Here it goes…
- Ticket Sales
Oh sure, you might have broken all-time sales records on your opening day, but there’s no reason to let that stop you from opening up the film to a broader audience and selling even more tickets. Think about it, my wife and I already went to see the film once and we will go again to see a PG version with our kids if you release it. There are literally millions of other parents exactly like us. Literally. Millions.
- Toy Sales
OK, I admit that my son already has a LEGO Tie Fighter and will be getting an X-Wing for Christmas (shh… don’t tell). But just think of how many more The Force Awakens toys he would be begging for if he could actually see the movie! I’m sure he’s not alone. Heck, my daughter isn’t as into Star Wars as my son, but she loves Leia and she’s bound to love Rey even more once she sees this movie.
- The PG Legacy
Until Episode III came along and changed the game, Star Wars had a storied legacy as being a PG franchise. People were delighted by that fact. Come on guys – bring the PG Star Wars legacy back to theaters.
- Because Disney
You’re The Walt Disney Company for goodness sake! Seriously, the words “kid-friendly” and “Disney” are practically synonymous. Do it for the children!
- You’re Going to Eventually Anyway
Someday, Star Wars: The Force Awakens will appear on broadcast television, probably on ABC. So, why not simply make the edited for TV version a couple years early and release it in 3D, Real D 3D and IMAX 3D? You know you want to.
So, there it is… five compelling reasons why you should help all of us Star Wars Super Geek parents out and make a PG cut of the film now. Let us buy our kids some overpriced popcorn and sodas and give them the experience we had long, long ago.
May The Force be with you.
*We didn’t show our kids the prequels. Why bother? Episode III is PG-13 and way too violent for them. What’s the point in watching I and II without III? Besides, they learned all the backstory they needed from IV, like their parents.