Let’s face it, Los Angeles is amazing. But here’s the thing – we’ve got a horrible traffic situation, and as more people move here it’s only getting worse. So, consider this to be me doing my part to help relieve the congestion. Perhaps you’ve visited LA and thought it could be a nice place to live. Maybe you’ve seen glorious images of it on TV and in movies. Mayhaps you have family or friends here and just want to be close to them. No matter the reason, you should not move here. And here are five reasons why…
Oh my gawd! The weather here is freaking awesome! It’s warm, sunny and gorgeous like 99.999% of the time. And temperate too. We only have a few weeks a year when it’s either too hot or too cold. Most of the time it’s in the 70s or 80s. It’s spectacular.
It’s sunny like 99.999% of the time! Do you realize what a monumental pain in the ass it is to put on sunblock every. single. time. you want to go outside for longer than it takes to walk from your house to your car? Ack! You don’t need that crap. Forget it.
Holy Shit! Have you seen the stunning beaches we have here?! I mean, it’s so ridiculously amazeballs that you need to slap yourself in the face sometimes just to make sure you’re not dreaming. They’re wondrous! They’re enormous! And there are TONS of them!
Those sandy beaches get hot. Seriously, you’ll burn your feet. And the sand sticks to e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. It winds up in your hair, on your beach gear, even your car. Yuck! No way! That’s not for you!
WOW! Have you seen these mountains?!! They’re freaking everywhere! They’re scenic and majestic and awe inspiring. It’s nuts! With a short 15 minute cruise you can be up in the mountains and completely forget that you live in probably the best city in the entire world – because it’s totally peaceful and zen and shit.
They’re big. And did I mention that they’re freaking everywhere? I mean, a mountain range cuts through the middle of the damn city for crap sake?! Who the hell thought THAT was intelligent city planning?!! All that up, down, up, down. Fuck that! You’re outta here!
It’s the goddamn entertainment capital of the world! Hell yes it is! You know all those TV shows and movies that make LA look so glorious… yeah, we make those here. We’ve got celebrities up the yin-yang. I literally bumped into Steve Carell at the grocery store one day. Nice guy. Very gracious.
If you think traffic is bad already, then just try getting through downtown LA during rush hour when Bruce Willis is shooting his next blockbuster movie at the corner of Grand and 1st. Screw that noise. You don’t need that. Besides, Steve Carell is too damn chatty.
ALL the Other AWESOME Stuff!
World class museums, theater, music, dining, shopping, amusement parks, site seeing and on and on and on! You can literally do something different every-single-freaking-day of the year and never get bored. It’s as if the city is an oyster and it’s yours for the taking. It truly boggles the mind. This place rocks. Hard.
Uuuuuuuuuugh… it’s exhausting! You’d be overwhelmed. It’s too much. It’s just too much.
Well, there it is folks. Los Angeles is absolutely, positively, the best place to live in America and possibly even the world, hands down.
But it’s not for you.
So don’t move here.